I was in boarding school when I began having grand delusional optimistic thoughts about God calling for me in the Heaven. Like somehow my body would disintegrate on Earth and I’d beam myself up. I couldn’t keep my joy and shared it with my teacher. Then I ended in a hospital. We didn’t even wait for the ambulance. At age 15, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type I.
My psychiatrist was very receptive of my masterplan. She asked how I’d imagine school and life be like if I was to live. When she told me that people don’t feel the way I feel about God; that I had to take medication to bring me back to the “normal” experience; I crumbled. Heaven can wait, she suggested, that maybe I should live the life I wanted first.
I believed her. But things didn’t go well beyond the psychiatrist room. People condemned me that I’d joined the cult and would go to Hell for not believing in the one true God but some other Gods I constructed in my head. It made me feel very unloved by certain parts of this community and God Himself. So I decided, if God hated me and put me through this, then I didn’t want Him anymore.
I put my faith aside for about 7 years. I went through the first 2 years without medication and I wasn’t well. I was very angry at the situation and not having control over myself. So I made an attempt for suicide. Then I thought about the headlines for the next day. I was going to be misrepresented anyway and I didn’t want that to happen. I stopped.
Alhamdullilah that God has then put the right people in my path. They help me regain trust in people, community and God again. I have yet to resolve all my internal conflicts but I can now stand on my own two feet. It’s time to pay forward the kindness.
Photostory and edited by Hui Wen
Photo by Aiman Mustafa
